I’m getting up early tomorrow morning to re-record the song I wrote for Maeve a few months ago. I’ve been somewhat hesitant about laying it out for the world to see — in fact, the three people who listened to the scratch track all cried – a reaction that leaves me feeling like I’ve thrown a rock and hit the person in the heart.
We didn’t have a perfect relationship, in fact, I am quite sure that my sister did not like me at all, until the last two years of her life, when she suddenly stopped making fun of me. She initiated phone contact and became pleasant to talk to. I began to call her several times a week just to chat. And just when our relationship was healed, she died in her sleep at age 54. Just in time for me to miss her terribly, and wander in the mental landscape of what I could have done better, to ease her way in this world.
Here are the lyrics for Song for my Sister:
1. I live now by the sea – to the sound of waves upon the shore, So many times I want to take your hand, but now you’ve gone to the Promised Land.
Chorus: I’m gonna dig my heels into the sand, as it shifts beneath my feet. I still don’t know how I’ll ever let you go; I’m trapped by sand the way that you were trapped by snow.
2. I swim to the surface of my troubled sleep, a starfish falls from my hand, Was there anything I could have said or done, to keep you from colliding with the sun.
Bridge: For every unkind word I said, for every time I turned away, All the hurts I would mend, just to have you hear again.
3. January clouds gather, black as a murder of crows, New Jersey is frozen over, and I’m still in my summer clothes.
I have a feeling like I have to cast my net upon the waters, and say the words most people don’t have the courage to present – they can own my words if it helps them move forward. As for my sister, I miss her. If she’d died two years earlier, I would have always wondered if she loved me. I know that I still love her.